Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
