i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Vodka?
Forever.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
