I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
