I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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