I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
