I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
