In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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