I faked an abortion last night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
