First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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