Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
