and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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