I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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