apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
