I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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