We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
