I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
