you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
