you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
