man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
