Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
