My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
