i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
