Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
