May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
