I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
