my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
