nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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