If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
