did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he was CRYING into my vagina
my being single is dangerous.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
