I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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