thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
