I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
