"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
