I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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