If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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