Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
