I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
