I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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