Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
