It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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