i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
