This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
