he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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