I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
