i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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