Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
