my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
