Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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