you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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