Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
