Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
